You tell her

Lizzie asked me yesterday what this spelled:
I think you should tell her....

Whatsoever is light is good

I just but my son to bed and tonight as I rocked him and sang him a song a lot of thoughts ran through my mind. A year ago Jeremy and I announced to his family that we were expecting Will I was 11 weeks pregnant and a little overwhelmed at the thought of having 3 children. Deciding to become pregnant with Will was not an easy decision by any means. The previous January I had started to feel funny. My fingers and ears and toes were all tingly and something just seemed off in my body. I was still nursing Abby who at the time was just 8 months and I wondered if the tingly sensation had something to do with my milk or something. Then my period didn't come I to be honest didn't freak out my body hasn't always been the most regular but I must say I was a little nervous. Lizzie and Abby were both planned pregnancies so a little surprise like this was not exactly on my game plan. When I took a pregnancy test to ease my own thoughts I was shocked when it came back positive. How could this be? I didn't want to be pregnant. I wasn't prepared for it. I was still nursing Abby and was determined to nurse her to the year mark. I was really upset I had worked so hard to get my body back in shape only to be put out of shape again. Abby was going to be 15 months old when this baby came and that in my opinion was just too close. I hadn't prayed about getting pregnant it wasn't even on my radar. How could this be? I didn't want to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I think I was even kind of embarrassed by the fact that I was pregnant. I didn't feel the normal happy glow that I had had with my previous two pregnancies. So I just carried on, loathing the fact that my newly slimmed tummy was going to begin to bulge, that Abby was going to get cheated out of having the infant life I felt she deserved, that I hadn't been warned by some spiritual prompting that this was coming and maybe I was losing that sensitivity of the spirit that I tried so desperately to maintain. At about 9 weeks I started spotting a little which wasn't a big deal I spotted a little with Abby but by week 10 I was full on period like bleeding. I called the Dr. and began to worry what was wrong with me. When I got in to the Dr. I was so nervous they took me back for an ultrasound and sure enough it was a miscarriage. I think the saddest thing I've ever seen was looking at the little bean that could have been a baby with no beating heart. My eyes began to swell with tears and the Dr. choked back his own and told me the things that I were to expect in the next few weeks and told me if there was anything else he could do to please let him know. I cried the whole way home. I called Jeremy at work and cried some more. I called my mom and cried some more. All the while feeling so conflicted. Had I wished this on myself? Was my body broken now? What happens if I decide I want to get pregnant again? I think I cried that entire day and into the night. I amazingly felt all by myself so incredibly empty and alone even though I had support from my mom, we had decided not to let all of our family know, a few members of my ward knew and helped out but I still felt like I was the only person on the entire planet and I was so so sad. I bled and bled for what seemed like forever and then the day that the egg sac passed my heart broke into a million shattered pieces. It was at that moment a dream was brought back to my memory. Right after Lizzie was born I had had a dream that I was pregnant and I didn't tell anyone and gave birth to the child very early in my apartment bathroom. I had shut the door to the bathroom and then decided to tell Jeremy. We both went back to the bathroom and planned the funeral for that baby and decided not to tell anyone about it. Now I know that most of the time our dreams are poppy cock but as I reflected on that dream the feeling impressed to me was that Heavenly Father had prepared my heart at that moment almost 3 years before for what I was going through right at that moment. All the sudden I didn't feel so all alone. My heart still ached but I was supported. It was a hard thing to get over. Something I hadn't really planned on, every time a friend told me they were pregnant my heart stung a little. Every time I thought about early September my mind would begin the what ifs. But as I prayed for the healing power of the atonement to become more manifested in me my soul began to heal. Then the unexpected happen. Mid-March, not even four weeks after the miscarriage, I was sitting in a sacrament meeting when I had the feeling that we needed to bring another spirit to this world. How that opened the flood gates all the emotions that I had just put to rest came pouring back. Added to those emotions was the worry could my body really do this? We fasted and prayed about and knew that it was the right thing to do and just held our breath while we had faith that this was the thing to do. Sure enough early May I took yet again another pregnancy test and this time to the joy of my heart had a positive test result. I worried for quite a bit of the first trimester especially where as I wasn't puking my guts out but just had to hold on to the faith that this was the right thing for my family. Thank goodness all things turned out well and we now have our healthy, beautifully happy baby boy. In the Book Of Mormon in Alma 32 Alma is teaching the poor Zoramites who have been cast out of their synagogues because of their stations in life. He talks about humility and those who posses humility and those who are compelled to be humble. I think for me my miscarriage was one of those being compelled moments and I am truly grateful for that because of my miscarriage I have gained so many things. I know have more compassion to those who struggle with pregnancy something I truly didn't understand until it happened to me. I also had my faith strengthened. Just as Alma taught I had to experiment on the word and let it swell and grow within me and it brought to me enlightenment and understanding that I would not have otherwise possessed. I think that often with our trials and hardships if we look closely we can see the things that our Father in Heaven is trying to help us with. I really am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to learn and become our best selves. I'm also grateful for the knowledge of the atonement and the strength it gives me. The gospel is so true!

Pictures of Us

I love pictures. I love pictures of my kids. I love pictures of flowers, nature, even food. And since this is my own private blog I guess I can admit I even like pictures well most of them anyhow. When Jeremy and I were dating we took lots of pictures of the two of us and in fact our engagement pictures still adorn the walls of my home because I loved the pictures so much and I'm too lazy to change them out. But I was thinking the other day that Jeremy and I are rarely in a picture together, just the two of us. How sad it'll be when I look over our lifetime of pictures and finally see the pix of me and Jeremy and we go from being two hot young 20 year olds to slightly balder/older 50 somethings (although i'll remind the audience that we'll still be hot). So it's now my goal to take more pictures of the two of us. And try to better capture us on film I mean digital pixels. So here's my latest attempt in Logan from a weekend ago.

Yep he's really that hot all the time. How hot is that you may ask. Sizzling.....

A better attempt to smile but the kid sure makes him look even cuter.

I'm telling my hair to grow grow grow in this picture.

One final attempt for the two of us I'm over compensating my smile for the lack of Jeremy's smile.

Mother's Day Flowers

I love getting flowers. Really I can look over my life and highlight moments by flowers that I received or at least gloried in the presence of. Jeremy really isn't a fan of buying something that is just going to die but still when me makes the effort to subdue that thought just for me it means that much more. My last mother's day in Logan I was 9 months pregnant, we were trying to get ready to move to Tooele and I was to say the least stressed. The Saturday before Mother's Day I had done a Pampered Chef show (my last thank heavens) and came home to Jeremy and Lizzie who had recently returned from the store. Lizzie had jumped the gun and before I could even get in the door said "Mom we bought you a flower and some fish. Can I have some fish now." meaning the Swedish fish that we so love in our household. Well Jeremy had got me a single red rose which was beautiful so I put the flower in a nice little vase and shared the fish with my eager little two year old. The next morning as we were getting ready for church I came downstairs to find that my rose had exploded over night. Every single petal had fallen off of it and I just laughed. Jeremy swore he would never buy me a rose again and the next mother's day he stayed true to that word. So imagine my surprise when this past mother's day Jeremy placed this beautiful rose on my lap. It made my day not to mention the card that made me cry. I've turned into such a sap. Anyhow the rose lives on and has retained a beautiful bloom this whole week. So thanks Jeremy to swallowing your pride and buying me something that will eventually die.
ps that really is the picture of the flower. It looks so beautiful!

Thinking Positive

When Jeremy was sick he lost like 10 lbs in under a week. I remember whining to him that I wish that would happen to me then I might have an easier time with all of this baby weight my body refuses to get rid of. I guess the saying be careful what you wish for really really comes into effect when you wish something like that. I lost 7 lbs in 4 days, courtesy of giant high fevers, not eating but refusing to give my poor baby a bottle. I haven't really put on jeans for like 3 weeks but I had to go get a cavity filled yesterday (I know it's like insult to injury) and my usual pants were dirty so I pulled out the old Andrea's skinny pants. Not to brag (what am I saying I'm totally bragging), they rocked my world and fit like a glove. And I looked good! I was super super excited it almost made three miserable weeks of pneumonia worth it. When I went to the dentist I felt so good I almost passed up the Novocaine, O.k. just kidding anyone who would do that would be nuts, but I felt good. Now if I can convince my body that even though I'm not working out and just sitting around doing nothing that it does not need to hold on to the food I'm eating now. But I guess I just revel in the glory of skinny jeans fitting now and deal with it when they don't fit.

Think Tank

So today I somehow found energy enough to shower (side note: I've been sick with pneumonia and it's really kicking my can so hygiene hasn't taken the role that it should, gross I know, deal with it) I love taking showers I've decided there is something so therapeutic about a shower maybe it's all the amazing smelling shower gels and shampoos or maybe it's the sound of water hitting the tiles or maybe it's the fact that when I shower I'm actually all by myself. Alone. It's a weird concept when you have 3 little kids and one of those kids is nursing. Maybe that's why the shower has become my own little think tank. There's just something about getting clean and getting rid of all the stink that seems to come into my life (both physical stink and emotional stink) Some of my best ideas and most powerful inspiration have come to me when I'm in the shower. I now keep a kids bathtub crayon in my shower to write down the ideas that seem to sink into my brain with each drop of water. If our budget could handle it and I wouldn't freak out about looking like a really really white raisin I would probably stay in the shower for hours and hours. My shower wall would probably look like that guy in A Beautiful Mind's shack walls. Ya he was crazy. The hard part is making all of those brilliant ideas come to fruition. Usually I end up erasing all my thoughts as I clean off all my hair from the shower unless it was an idea I had for Jeremy then I usually leave that one up for him to read on his next shower. He has since told me that he usually showers with his eyes closed to get that extra bit of sleep and never notices my "brilliant" ideas. But maybe now that I've told everyone about my think tank I'll actually start taking action on those ideas. I think I'm going to go take another shower and think about how to start doing that.

Happiness

So when I was younger people would always ask why I was so happy. As an elementary student I had no idea that people could actually be permanently unhappy. I understood that when you lost your toy or when your brother was a giant stupid head you could be a little unhappy but I never really thought much more of it. When I got to high school I had a conversation that made me realize that people really liked being unhappy not only unhappy but that it was a sign of maturity to be "less happy". I sat in my usual spot in French class 2nd row from the door 3 seats from the back. Sitting across from me next to the wall where Erin a Jr. and Shannon a Sr. both sang in the choir with me and because they were so much older than me ( I was a sophomore) they were amazingly cool. Coach Dean (our French teacher was the track coach and insisted we called him coach regardless if we ran track or not.) had stepped out to inspect the new track going in and trusted that we would all read our text books while he was gone. I had read the assignment for like the 5th time when I gave in to the rest of the class and started talking with Erin and Shannon I had made some sort of remark and smiled and I'll never forget the way Erin looked at me. Then she said "Andrea, when you get older I bet you'll be a lot less happy." This kind of took me back why on earth would anyone want to be "less happy"? And what did having to be older have to do with it. I asked Erin what she meant and she then explained to me "When you're mature things don't seem the way you see them now." I was so super confused I thought I was pretty "mature" and I was pretty darn sure that being mature was not the death of happiness. Shannon finally chipped in I swear I vied for every word out of her mouth I mean after all she was a Senior, she had a boyfriend and she was on her way to college she had to know everything. "I don't think Andrea is one of those people who will change."
"Really?" was Erin's response.
"Why wouldn't she? Everyone has to grow-up sometime."
Then Shannon said "I think Andrea is just one of those people who will always be happy even when she shouldn't be."
Soon enough coach Dean came back and it was back to the difference between "vous" and "tu". I was really confused by my friends comments. Really as a sign of maturity did I have to give up happiness? I thought back to people who I knew where mature like my mom, teachers people who were at least older than me they didn't seem unhappy yet they were "grown-up".
I continued on my way and as I got older I somehow stayed happy. I guess it was some sort of curse. Ok not really I love being happy. Many people along the way have accused me of being fake, people who I thought were close good friends and other such relatives and you know that kind of stung yet here I am still a happy person. I guess I understand why people could confuse being happy as fake. I mean after all everyone is bound to have a bad day and I have actually experienced these so called bad days from time to time. Or maybe more frequent then that. I think where people get confused on "fake happy" people is they don't understand really what happiness is. My little brother used to pray that we would have a fun day and I remember my mom asking him why he prayed to have fun. He said we needed to have fun so we could be happy. There I think is where a lot of people believe happiness is and if people think that is where my happiness is well then they're right I would be as fake as wood paneling in an old station wagon. I believe that my happiness comes from somewhere else. My happiness doesn't come from a clean house, lots of money, amazing vacations or people pouring out compliments on me if that were the case I would be the saddest person ever. Even if I had those things that isn't real happiness. Take all that stuff away and what are you left with? The happiness that I had as a little girl, as a high school student, as a single young adult and even now as a border line crazy mom of 3 has always been the same. I know who I am. I know where I came from. I know where I'm going. And I have an amazing lifeline. Sure the specifics aren't always set in stone I probably have changed a little as a person I'm growing that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I know where I came from I can't recall it perfectly but I have a good idea. My destination in this life was determined long ago the way I get there hasn't always been as straight forward as I wanted to be and sometimes it's a little scary but that's where my lifeline has really come in to play. Whenever I feel like I'm wavering just a tad He's there to pull me back in to remind me of these simple truths to help me remember I'm more than what I've been and I can be more if I keep trying. Why do people insist on roadblocking happiness. Happiness isn't something that we have one day and don't have the next. Happiness is in each and everyone of us. Sure sometimes it's easier to be happier than other times but that happiness never goes away. I believe it is there in our hearts it lives in our souls along with the knowledge that we are children of our Heavenly Father. He loves us and will always, always love us regardless of the choices we make. Our father gave us a plan, a plan of happiness, to return to him and to be able to live "happily ever after". I hope that people can remember that. This one thing helps me be who I am today. This simple truth helps me push through those bad days, those bad mistakes, those things that would block me from being my best. So maybe I'm a little less grown-up because I am still a happy person. Shannon was right I'm not going to change on that. Why would I want to?