Whatsoever is light is good

I just but my son to bed and tonight as I rocked him and sang him a song a lot of thoughts ran through my mind. A year ago Jeremy and I announced to his family that we were expecting Will I was 11 weeks pregnant and a little overwhelmed at the thought of having 3 children. Deciding to become pregnant with Will was not an easy decision by any means. The previous January I had started to feel funny. My fingers and ears and toes were all tingly and something just seemed off in my body. I was still nursing Abby who at the time was just 8 months and I wondered if the tingly sensation had something to do with my milk or something. Then my period didn't come I to be honest didn't freak out my body hasn't always been the most regular but I must say I was a little nervous. Lizzie and Abby were both planned pregnancies so a little surprise like this was not exactly on my game plan. When I took a pregnancy test to ease my own thoughts I was shocked when it came back positive. How could this be? I didn't want to be pregnant. I wasn't prepared for it. I was still nursing Abby and was determined to nurse her to the year mark. I was really upset I had worked so hard to get my body back in shape only to be put out of shape again. Abby was going to be 15 months old when this baby came and that in my opinion was just too close. I hadn't prayed about getting pregnant it wasn't even on my radar. How could this be? I didn't want to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I think I was even kind of embarrassed by the fact that I was pregnant. I didn't feel the normal happy glow that I had had with my previous two pregnancies. So I just carried on, loathing the fact that my newly slimmed tummy was going to begin to bulge, that Abby was going to get cheated out of having the infant life I felt she deserved, that I hadn't been warned by some spiritual prompting that this was coming and maybe I was losing that sensitivity of the spirit that I tried so desperately to maintain. At about 9 weeks I started spotting a little which wasn't a big deal I spotted a little with Abby but by week 10 I was full on period like bleeding. I called the Dr. and began to worry what was wrong with me. When I got in to the Dr. I was so nervous they took me back for an ultrasound and sure enough it was a miscarriage. I think the saddest thing I've ever seen was looking at the little bean that could have been a baby with no beating heart. My eyes began to swell with tears and the Dr. choked back his own and told me the things that I were to expect in the next few weeks and told me if there was anything else he could do to please let him know. I cried the whole way home. I called Jeremy at work and cried some more. I called my mom and cried some more. All the while feeling so conflicted. Had I wished this on myself? Was my body broken now? What happens if I decide I want to get pregnant again? I think I cried that entire day and into the night. I amazingly felt all by myself so incredibly empty and alone even though I had support from my mom, we had decided not to let all of our family know, a few members of my ward knew and helped out but I still felt like I was the only person on the entire planet and I was so so sad. I bled and bled for what seemed like forever and then the day that the egg sac passed my heart broke into a million shattered pieces. It was at that moment a dream was brought back to my memory. Right after Lizzie was born I had had a dream that I was pregnant and I didn't tell anyone and gave birth to the child very early in my apartment bathroom. I had shut the door to the bathroom and then decided to tell Jeremy. We both went back to the bathroom and planned the funeral for that baby and decided not to tell anyone about it. Now I know that most of the time our dreams are poppy cock but as I reflected on that dream the feeling impressed to me was that Heavenly Father had prepared my heart at that moment almost 3 years before for what I was going through right at that moment. All the sudden I didn't feel so all alone. My heart still ached but I was supported. It was a hard thing to get over. Something I hadn't really planned on, every time a friend told me they were pregnant my heart stung a little. Every time I thought about early September my mind would begin the what ifs. But as I prayed for the healing power of the atonement to become more manifested in me my soul began to heal. Then the unexpected happen. Mid-March, not even four weeks after the miscarriage, I was sitting in a sacrament meeting when I had the feeling that we needed to bring another spirit to this world. How that opened the flood gates all the emotions that I had just put to rest came pouring back. Added to those emotions was the worry could my body really do this? We fasted and prayed about and knew that it was the right thing to do and just held our breath while we had faith that this was the thing to do. Sure enough early May I took yet again another pregnancy test and this time to the joy of my heart had a positive test result. I worried for quite a bit of the first trimester especially where as I wasn't puking my guts out but just had to hold on to the faith that this was the right thing for my family. Thank goodness all things turned out well and we now have our healthy, beautifully happy baby boy. In the Book Of Mormon in Alma 32 Alma is teaching the poor Zoramites who have been cast out of their synagogues because of their stations in life. He talks about humility and those who posses humility and those who are compelled to be humble. I think for me my miscarriage was one of those being compelled moments and I am truly grateful for that because of my miscarriage I have gained so many things. I know have more compassion to those who struggle with pregnancy something I truly didn't understand until it happened to me. I also had my faith strengthened. Just as Alma taught I had to experiment on the word and let it swell and grow within me and it brought to me enlightenment and understanding that I would not have otherwise possessed. I think that often with our trials and hardships if we look closely we can see the things that our Father in Heaven is trying to help us with. I really am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to learn and become our best selves. I'm also grateful for the knowledge of the atonement and the strength it gives me. The gospel is so true!