Girl Time

So hello blogger world. My mind has been churning lately. Well churning more than usual. And some people may understand my churn but some may only be able to sympathize.
So as many of you know I'm the only girl of 5 brothers. I love each and everyone of my brothers so much. They really are so crucial to me and who I have become. But honestly each of my birthdays from the time I was 5 on I wished for a little sister. With each brother came small disappointments but in the end ginormous love. I always thought, "well, I guess I'll get a sister when my brothers marry or when I get married". And man I've been blessed. I love my sister-in-laws like crazy. They are all so unique and amazing. I've learned so much from them and truly feel so blessed to count them all as such good friends. I have no doubt if we had met in different circumstances we'd be lifelong friends anyhow. I've had many friends who have held me in troubling times and lifted my spirits. Many friends that I've been able to share those deeply personal experiences with and continue to meet many "sisters" in the gospel that I'm sure have been put in my path for a reason.
Yet here my brain churns with that little girl wish still. (And No. Mom, honestly if you gave birth to another child now I would be forever freaked out. I know that Sarah and Sariah did it but I think I'll be ok. really.) It bugs me that I still want a sister and I think now as a 28 year old woman I finally understand why.
I watch groups of sisters do things together as adult women. Things like going to Women's conference, reading books together, "borrowing" clothes from each other (I know that was/is a major battle for many of you sisters, but still I can't ever borrow my brothers clothes when I go home.) Anything girly you want to do or talk about you've got someone to talk about it with. Trust me I tried telling my brothers my birth stories and they were both disgusted and embarassed and weired out for a lifetime.
I have been blessed with an amazing mother whom, for the longest time, I've considered to be one of my best friends. And she is so great to talk to me about all these things and share with me her life experinces which I am so so so grateful for. Yet.... It's not the same. This has bugged me as well. And finally it dawned on me. My mom cannot be my sister. She can remember my childhood but not as a child, she can only remember me as a parent watching a child grow. She may have been annoyed with me as I grew but she, luckily for me, had the patience of a mother not the lack of patience of a sister. I can relate my girly stories with my mom but her stories are decades dated and not quite the same as mine. Of course there will be similarities but THANKFULLY things have changed in the whole womanly department in the past few decades. I share my childhood memories with my brothers and thankfully they see things as boys not as girls. And as I'm experincing this time around as a parent, girls and boys do not exactly see things the same way.
I honestly believe that having a sister is like having a piece of your childhood forever within glance. My heart aches at times for this sister that has never been and despite my best efforts to feel that void it never will be what I'm looking for.
(Man this is a drag of a read) I really don't know what my point is in writing this. Maybe it's to help those of you out there with sisters better appreciate the gift that you've been given. Maybe it's to help those of you out there who don't have sisters understand maybe the ache of your own heart. Or maybe it's just to help me vent this and find some sort of closure or some kind of reasoning to my own heart strings.
Anyhow to my friend sisters,
Thank you. Thank you for going on long walks with me. Thank you for hugging me when I felt down. Thank you for helping me pick out clothes that made me look skinny and made my eyes sparkle. Thank you for eating Ice Cream with me in the freezing cold winter. Thank you.
To my sisters in the gospel,
Thank you. Thank you for sharing your spirit and lifting me to new higher levels. Thank you for praying with me and reading with me. Thank you for serving me and giving me the opportunity to serve you.
To my Sister-in-laws,
Thank you. I love you all so very much and truly feel so blessed to have you in my life. I am so grateful to my husband for having such fantastic sisters and for my brother and brother-in-law to marrying such amazing and dynamic women. I know that you all are really the closest thing I will have to a real sister. I guess it could be a blessing that we didn't know each other growing up but even if we did I'm pretty sure we'd get over it.
To my Mother-in-law,
Thank you. Thank you for raising such wonderful girls to become the women that they are. Thank you for raising the boys to become the men that they are, especailly for my man. It's amazing to me how easy it has been to flow into your family and feel as if I've always been there. Thank you
And lastly to my Mom,
Thank you. Thank you for being my friend, my mom and my sister. I know you did your best to get me a sister but I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I'd be Ok with just you. Thank you for teaching me, serving me, listening to me and being so patient with me. I love you more than words can say. I know because of the things you've helped me see that we will always be able to have our special connection. I love you.
If any of you out there are still reading this. Thanks. I really do know that we are all children of God and honestly that makes us all brothers and sisters. I'm grateful for the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and how that has helped me realize who I really can be. I know that He loves me and I will spend my life trying my best to show him that I love him too.

Things that I should have been doing instead of reading twilight.

Darn it all. I am if anything a trend bucker. The more someone pushes something or raves about how awesome something is I tend to shy away from it. I know it's stupid but in my defense I thought it was always funny when people would use the line "everybody is doing it" you know like in" just say 'no'" seminars and what not. Honestly that pitch doesn't ever really appeal to me so when all of my friends, family, strangers on the street, Ellen Degeneres started talking about the Twilight series and the soon to come movie, my eyes nearly sprained themselves from rolling so much. I was the same way with the Harry Potter Series, The Lord of the Rings, Blogging, and probably a whole bunch of other things that if I were to admit them now I'd feel like a GIANT hypocrite. Well I thought I'd get on the Library's waiting list for the overly talked about Twilight series giving me plenty of time to let all the hype be done. Unfortunately the Library had a copy right there that very day and I had to take it because for some weird glitch in their system they couldn't put me on the list as long as they had a copy in the building. Fine. I was slightly irritated that I would have to join all the avid readers and put my life on hold. I figured I would wait and start the darn book when I was at my parents house while the husband was on a hunting trip with all the other manly men from my family. I threw the book down after the first three chapters and started to think all these crazy people think this is a good book!! First it really bugged me that the story was told in first person because honestly what insight can an author really give you in first person. Secondly, Bella I mean come on grow-up already. I know I was a little judgemental and harshly critical but because I have this OCD thing about books I decided to finish the book so that I could let all the dumb people who loved this book how warped their brains were. Ummm my mistake the book was awesome. I eagerly texted all my friends who had read it and begged for their forgiveness for being so slow to head their raves. Anyhow after I emerged from reading book 1, 2, 3, and 4 plus the midnight sun manuscript on-line. I looked around my home to discover I may have neglected a few things while I submerged with vampires, werewolves, stupid teenage hormones and the taste of anticipation, twitterpation and then of course love. Anyhow I could tell you all the things that I liked about the books but they're probably the same things you liked. I didn't like Jacob Black at all (Sorry tonia, he's just a dorky teenage boy to me) and to be completely honest laughed so hard in book 4 when that thing happens to him and the kid ( I'm trying to be vague for those who haven't read it yet) that I had to call a friend to have her calm me down. Also what the junk was with her telling the story from Jacob's point of view??? Seriously there were a few more options out there but I guess when you tell the story in 1st person it gets kind of tricky to cover character depth. Anywho I'm excited to see the movie just so I can laugh at how poorly it depicts the books. But I digress, the series was thoroughly entertaining and my house could use a serious maid right around now but I thought I would take pictures so you could all feel better about neglecting things to for a moment or two of indulgence.



Up first are the dirty dishes overflowing out of my sink. The smell was nasty.

But on closer examination there was a balloon in the sink so I didn't have that many dishes but they still stunk really bad.

Next up was the weeds in my garden, ummm all of that, morning glory. Ya it's supposed to be strawberries. But the snow is coming soon right?

Clothes that should have been unpacked from a long time ago still sitting in various duffel bags. It was nice to find some clean clothes though.

Clothes that should have been folded and put away but instead were strewn across the floor mixing in with the dirty clothes. Not so awesome.

Abby's constant outfit. Here princess nightgown and butterfly wings. Ya luckily we didn't leave the house much and occasionally I made her wear pants and a shirt with them but I wasn't really going to fight her much not if it took away from reading time.
Gorgeous here was so completely content as long as he had something to eat. Sometimes washing him off was too big of a chore but I still did it after I was done with a chapter. (Seriously I'm so glad I'm done.)
I mean look at those hands. You can see the junk between the fingers. At least he's cleaner now.

All in all a great read but I'm glad to be done. I'll seriously be glad when I can walk around and stop trying to think like a vampire or wonder what it would be like to read that person's brain, or wonder if i growled at that person if they would give me a dirty hiss in return.
"Well off to buck a new trend." She said with a chagrin smile.... OK I had to throw that one in too because seriously how many times can you use that word? And who ever really says it on a daily basis? But go...Read...Neglect....it's OK everyone is doing it.

Growing Old

Gpa and Gma Rawlings were here on Lizzie's Birthday and were lucky enough to spend the night. The next morning as I was getting the girls cereal and what not Gma Rawlings snuck by to visit the lady's room and Lizzie and I had the following conversation:
"Mom?"
"Yes sweetie?"
"I don't want you to be a Grandma when you grow up?"
"Why wouldn't you want me to be a grandma? Don't you want to be a mom?"
"Yes but....." her little voice was close to cracking and she was on the verge of tears
"But what?"
"When you become a Grandma you won't love me as much as you love your grandkids."

So Grandmas and Grandpas out there beware that Grandkids can see how you love them so. And don't forget to show your grandkids that you love your kids.

Dear LiZzIe

My Dear precious Lizzie,
So you are now 5 years old. Wow it has been so amazing being your Mom. I am forever grateful that you are my first child. You have made being a mother challenging and yet incredibly joyful. You are doing so much right now, but that's how you came to this earth. I could tell from the moment you took in your first breath that you took so much in with each breath.
I'm so proud of you and the good choices you are making so early in your life. I would love to say it's because I'm a great mother. I do try my best to teach you right from wrong, and I try to help you remember who you are but a lot of your choices come because you know. I worry already that people are going to try to strip that knowledge from you and every time I send you out into the world I secretly hyperventilate until you come back to me. But as we visited your preschool this past week and listened to your teacher talk about you my heart was so filled with joy. She told me that you were a leader, and not the snotty kind of leader that tells people what to do. Instead of telling people that they are doing things wrong you help them. You let them know how great they are and still help them learn things the right way. You reach out to those around you and are kind to those who need it. She told me about how smart you are and we already knew that and there is much that we can do to help that continue but above all your academic skills what really means the most to me is that you are staying true to who you are. I never thought it was so possible to feel the spirit so strong come from a 5 year old girl but as I try to teach you things and help you learn and grow I feel the spirit all the time. I know that you are learning quickly and for a very important reason.
I hope you can stay a little girl for a little while longer. That is why I don't let you watch Hannah Montana, I'm sorry if it's selfish but I want you to stay as pure as possible for as long as possible. I love watching you play dress-up. You are such a sweet and proper princess that it really cracks me up. So if you don't mind I'm going to let you indulge in the sweet things for awhile.
You are such a kind sister. Much kinder than I ever was. You think about how everyone feels and truly want everyone to be happy. I've seen you sacrifice things that on an adult level may not seem like much but to a kid I know it means a lot.
You are my big helper. I really will panic when you go to kindergarten next year. I marvel at the things I ask you to do and that you actually do them. I don't know if all 1st borns are this way but you are incredibly responsible and amazingly mature.
You have a way about you that draws people to you and people recognize immediately who you are. It's always been that way but as you get older it gets stronger and stronger.
I see you take pride in what others say about you and I worry sometimes that you might need that too much. Don't worry about what others say. You are enough on your own. It's nice to hear nice things but be strong enough to be able to go on without it.
Most importantly remember who you are. You are a beautiful daughter of God. As long as you live up to that potential you will never have to worry about anything. It's not always easy. People, things and sometimes even yourself will want to pull you down but you, my dear daughter, can rise above it all.
I love you so much and will forever be grateful that you have been in my life. I look forward to the next 5 years and seeing how much more you can grow. I'm proud of you. And hope you know how much you mean to me.
Love Forever and Ever
Your Mom

Candy Bar Pops

1 bag of funsize milk chocoalte covered candy bars with some chewy caramel center cut in half
32 craft sticks
1 box of cake mix
1/2 of vegetable oil
2 eggs
1/2 of powdered sugar or colored candy sprinkles

Heat oven to 350
In large bowl beat cake mix oil, egss until smooth


Peirce each candy bar half with craft stick

For each cookie pop form 1 rounded tablespoon (a small scoop for papmpered chef people) flatten in palm of hand.
Place candy bar on dough and form dough around candy making sure to seal all sides.
Roll in candy sprinkles
Place on cookie sheet (if your using a cookie sheet line it with foil or parchment paper but I will forever use my stones.)
Bake at 350 for 10-13 minutes. Let cool on sheet for 2 minutes remove from cookie sheet to cooling rack and completely cool about 30 minutes. Wrap in plastic and tie with curling ribbon.

So cute and simple and delicious. Love it.

The secert is in the shoes.

Dear Payless Lady,
You were so helpful today and honestly you should get an award for being so happy. But as you left to go pick up my online order from the back of the store I had to hide my terrible secret. See while you were helping the lady in front of me in such a friendly fashion I noticed that my two year old had somehow houdinied her way out of her diaper and it was clinging to one leg by the miracle of her adorable shortalls. As you went to show the lady the adorable hot pink heels in the freakishly large women's shoe size I quickly removed the diaper from my baby girl's leg and descretly jammed into my stuffed to the gills purse. You came back and got my name and said with such a cheery smile that you would be back in a giffy. I prayed that you would hold to that because I knew I had a tickin' peeing time bomb. But as I got lost in the women's shoe section (I so desperatly need a new pair of black heels) I heard the words "Mom, potty." My gaze fell to the wet stuff dripping down my girl's leg and noticed a little splashieness in her adorable pink plastic shoe. Just then you appeared from the back room. I quickly scanned the floor and saw a mini and by mini I mean maybe a few droplets size puddle and just happened to scoot a box over it. I took the shoes from you and quickly signed the paper hoping you wouldn't notice my girl's pee wetted shortalls (still cute even with a mini pee mark) You asked so kindly if you could put the shoes in a bag for me, I hesitated and had a mini-debate in my brain whether I should tell you or not and then just shook my head out of a pure dummy mommy moment caused by my girl splashing her feet in those adorable plastic pink shoes. As I carted all three of my children out of the store as quickly as I could I wondered if the few pee droplets would stink up your store. I wondered if maybe that would take your customer service down a notch and felt really bad about that. So I hope really that you didn't notice the mini puddle under the shoe box and I hope that you still keep helping people find the shoes they need and pointing out adorable hot pink heels in freakishly large sizes. And I hope that you might be able to forgive me for being an embarassed mom that just had too much on her plate for one day.
Anyhow Keep smiling,
Andrea
p.s. let me know if those adorable hot pink heels come in my size. Thanks ;)

What do you do.....

With 16 cups of Shredded Zucchini? My next door neighbor brought over a zucchini the size of my arm plus a few inches thicker. So I shredded it all and went to town making bread and cake. And that still left me with 8 cups of Zucchini. So I froze the rest but I thought I would share this killer awesome cake recipe. I put a cup of milk chocolate chips in the batter and then a cup of semi-sweet on top. Then sprinkled powder sugar for show. Serve it with a scoop of ice cream and yummy yummy. It's a good thing I'm running like crazy now or I'd be a good 15 lbs over weight from this cake alone.
Click here for the recipe.

Confessions and Milestones

So short little post. I need to confess something. Sometimes I wait to go to the bathroom until Jeremy gets home from work just merely for the fact that it's the only time I can be all by myself for a little while. It's like a little get-a-way from the kids moment. I can shut the door and not have to worry if any of the kids are choking on polly pocket parts, or smearing butter like finger paint all over the walls, or deciding they're hungry and emptying the refrigerator shelf by shelf only to remember that they don't like healthy food.
And my own personal milestone today I ran/walked 6 miles today! I walked the 3 before dinner with a friend and then after dinner ran 3 with a different friend. The best part was we ran the 3 miles well under 30 minutes. I think I'm getting closer to my target weight if I only had a scale to really see. I feel better and I'm starting to look better in my pants. My goal is to be able to fit into a nice pair of skinny jeans by my birthday which is ps 7 weeks away. Anyhow I feel really good right now and thought I'd post it.

Fitting considering it's our anniversary and all.

The Man I Married
(I was tagged by my SIL, Tonia)
1. What is his name? Jeremy
2. Who eats more? Depends who's pregnant..ok just kidding Jeremy could probably eat me out of house and home if he wanted to but I can come close.
3. Who said I love you first? I did. I'm not very good at not saying how I feel with him for some reason.
4. Who is taller? Jeremy by a few inches. It's a perfect height as far as I'm concerned.
5. Who is smarter? Crap, I want to say me. I mean really really bad want to say me but I think we're pretty close although I'm not an electrical engineer I guess where he lacks I make up and vice a versa.
6. Who is more sensitive? Before we got married I so wasn't sensitive but there was something that happened when we put on wedding rings and now I'm on constant sensitivity watch.
7. Who does the laundry? I think Jeremy did once....So if we left it up to him we'd be wearing disposable clothes by now.
8. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do, no matter where we are sleeping it just feels weird otherwise. Even when Jeremy is out on business or something I still sleep on the right side.
9. Who pays the bills? I do but Jeremy is really good at reminding me.
10. Who cooks more? Who would you want to cook more??? If Jeremy cooked more our diet would consist of pasta roni, baked potatoes and some sort of meat. He's King of the grill though.
11. What meals do you cook together? If it's a meal where we're grilling anything and when ever I need a "prep chef" Jeremy is really handy in the kitchen.
12. Who is more stubborn? He would say I was and I would say he was and that's where we'll leave that.
13. Who is the first to admit they're wrong? Me, and Me and then Me again. I usually have to write a proof to show Jeremy where he was wrong and wait for some committee to publish it.
14. Who has more siblings? I do by one but we're both the 2nd and both of our older brothers names' are Michael. (it gets really confusing when we're talking about them)
15. Who wears the pants in the relationship? What pants? we're more of a free flowing pair of shorts.
16. What do you like to do together? Hang out with each other/ friends, enjoy the outdoors, watch movies/ good t.v., watch sports (so excited for college football season!!!) and other stuff that I can't really think of now.
17. Who eats more sweets? Ya I clean house on this. Jeremy had no sweet tooth at all when we got married but at least now he will eat them occasionally.
18. Guilty pleasures? He can down an entire bag of chips without even second thought. His new baby the 4 wheeler, Riding his mtn. bike, and dumb adam sandler type movies that I can't stand to watch. And how could I forget to mention Ultimate Frisbee time has a way to escape him when he's playing.
19. How did you meet? We had a mutual friend run for Student Body officer at USU and we helped him out with his campaign. After Jeremy's friends dated my friends and then stopped dating each other Jeremy and I still wanted to hang out. We were really good friends for a good while before we actually took the plunge and started "dating".
20. When did you fall in love with him? Honestly I don't know if there was a moment, I loved that I could just be myself with him instead of playing the whole "dating"game. He's just so stinkin' cool.
21. Who has changed the most since you married? Both of us think that neither one of us have changed. Well Jeremy doesn't think that he's changed and I don't think I've changed but I think he's changed and he thinks I've changed so.....
22. Who proposed? Jeremy, with much sneaky planning with his Mom. Seriously it was sneaky sneaky.
23. His best features? Is awesomeness a feature? He's got a great smile, eyes etc. etc.
24. What is his greatest quality? I don't know if there's just one but I love that he never, and I mean never says anything bad about anyone. He's humble, and honestly has such a good heart. He cares about everyone whether they think so or not.
25. Tag? Mindy, Traci, Lexie, Kristen. Anyone else who wants to.

Lying, loving and choices

So a little story today and I don't know if everyone will enjoy it but it is for sure something that has me thinking a lot today.
Monday Lizzie was off playing with her little friend from across the street. Which was fantastic by all parts on my account. When Jeremy called me and let me know that it was his companies ultimate Frisbee teams championship game that night and he was thinking he wanted to play. The downside was he drove into work and had to come back to Tooele get his clothes and have dinner in his belly all before 6:00. This would all but require a miracle on my part where as it was 4:30 and I had yet to take a shower that day and dinner was still being contemplated. But I was up for the challenge and told Jeremy I would do all in my power to have things ready to go for him. So off I ran to jump in the shower while the meat was thawing. Just as I was about to strip down Lizzie came running in asking if she could get her swimsuit on and play in the sprinkler at her friend's house. I told her No because we would be going to SLC and I didn't want her to get all wet before dinner. A major melt down ensued and I sat there on the stairs knowing my clock was ticking. I told Lizzie that she could either stay inside and throw a fit or she could go back outside and find something else to do with her friend. She agreed and went outside to play. I settled a couple of babies down checked the meat which was nearly thawed by now looked at the clock and went to jump in the shower once again when the telephone rang. Normally I would have let it go to the answering machine but I had a feeling it was my neighbor across the street. Sure enough it was and the following conversation took place:
"Andrea?"
"Hi Kari. What's up?"
"Lizzie is saying that you said she could play in the sprinkler she just needed to borrow Tessa's swimming suit. I thought I would just run it by you before I said Ok."
Steam poured out of my ears and I very calmly told Kari that no such conversation happened between me and Lizzie and if she could please send Lizzie home for lying.
Kari agreed and asked if Tessa ever did the same thing that I would return the favor. I assured her I would and hung up the phone. I figured I'd jump in the shower and try to calm myself down so that I could discipline Lizzie out of love. I did the fastest shower possible taking into account that I have like 10 lbs of hair. Jumped out and dressed and called for Lizzie to come up to talk to me. But there was no reply. I called again only to hear Abby answer back. I ran downstairs to confront the pretending-she-wasn't-there Lizzie only to find no Lizzie. I called over to the neighbors home to find that Lizzie had returned there. She had told the neighbor that I was in the shower and I said that it was OK for her to play for a little while. More steam poured out of my ears and exited from my mouth and the top of my head this time. I told her to once again send Lizzie home and assured her that she would not be returning. I paced back and forth watching my window. I could not wait to get the little deviant lying child home. Where did she get off lying like that. Where did she learn that that was OK. Not from her Mother. I see her leave the neighbors home. Watch her look carefully 6 or 7 times before she crosses the street. And wait for her at the front door. I needed to think of something good to help this girl learn that she cannot lie. She opens the door and the first thing that pops out of my mouth is a pure reincarnation of my mother.
"Straight to your room for the rest of the night." I wanted to pull the words back in almost as quickly as they fell out but it was too late. Lizzie cried and cried as I walked her to her room. I put her down on her bed and said "You lied twice. You disobeyed me twice. And you have disappointed me." And I left the room. As I listened to her wail I knew the punishment seemed a little harsh but I hoped that maybe it would teach her a lesson. Lizzie has had this problem lately of lying to many many people and I would really like her to learn quickly the positive side of being honest.
As I chopping my vegetables downstairs for a quick stir-fry Jeremy comes in. I tell him what happened and he gives me the look letting me know that I've been a little too dramatic and then says "well I guess we can't go to the game now." I hadn't even thought of that. But he said it was OK that the roster was already full and he wouldn't have got in much playing time. I finish making dinner and go upstairs to get Lizzie for dinner. As soon as I open the door Lizzie asks "Why don't you love me anymore." And I'm hit with this complex emotion where I want to laugh but feel like I got hit in the gut at the same time. I tell her that I still love her and will always love her but she made choices and these are the consequences of her choices. I bring her down for dinner and she is a very very good girl through dinner. But as soon as dinner was over I walked her back to her room. She cries again and says "I wanted to spend time with my family." Another crushing blow to my mom persona. I sit her down and tell her that I love spending time with her but she has to finish her punishment. She asks me if I will ever love her again. I remind her once more that I will love her always no matter what she does. She then begins to meltdown again. She starts bartering "You can take away my toys. How about I don't play with friends tomorrow. No dessert for a week." And literally I can feel my heart breaking for her and as I hug her as tight as I can reassuring her that I love her so much I am hit with this amazing feeling. This must be close to how Heavenly Father feels when his children suffer the consequences of their wrong choices. We ask if our Heavenly Father has forgotten us, if he doesn't love us anymore. We beg for the consequences to be taken away. We say that we'd rather take something else. Our hearts ache and we cry. And yes our Father is there. He hears us. He loves us still but he can't take away the consequence not because he doesn't have the power to but because he is just and true. I believe that his heart aches just as sorely if not more for us as we suffer. In that moment of clarity I was so glad to be a parent. I was so glad to have come a little closer to understanding the nature of my Heavenly Father. I was so glad for the atonement of Jesus Christ and the passage that it gives us to come back to our loving father.
She eventually calms down and we talk about lying and making choices and love parents have for their children. And although Lizzie is not quite 5 yet I think she understood a lot. As I get ready to leave her in her room we hug one more time and I again assure her that I love her. And she lets me know that she loves me.
A short time later I bring Abby up and Lizzie is sitting nicely on her bed in her nightgown with a smile on her face. She says." Mom I won't lie ever again. I know what I did was wrong and tomorrow morning I'm going to apologize to sister Scribner for lying to her. I'm sorry for being disobedient and I'm going to try harder to make better choices." I hug her and tell her that those are all good things. I know that most likely she will lie again and more than likely she will be disobedient again but I will always be grateful for that powerful teaching moment of knowing how our Heavenly Father feels about the choices we make. How wonderful it is to know of our Heavenly Father and have the knowledge of his great plan of happiness. Today I am a grateful woman.

A post about meme

This meme is courtesy a tag from K'lyn.

The Rules:
•Link the person(s) who tagged you.
•Mention the rules on your blog.
•Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
•Tag 6 fellow bloggers by linking them.
•Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged

1. I love college sports! Especially football, I'll go for basketball and hockey as well and I don't mind baseball as long as I'm at the ball park. I love hashing out old football games and speculating about what plays should have been called and debating referees calls. I do get just as animated watching games at home as well as at the stadium. The only problem is there isn't many other women who share my passion slight bummer at times.

2. For someone who loves sports as much as I do I'm a terrible athlete. It's not that I don't try. I just know I look like a fool playing sports and don't look like I really should be out there playing. But I play anyhow and have a fantastic time anyhow.

3. I love cooking! Many people will attest to that but I hate cleaning up after cooking. It just doesn't seem right that I cook all that great food for other people to enjoy and for me to have to clean it up, come on now..... Luckily Jer will kick in and help clean up after dinner.

4. I worry a little that people will under estimate me because of my age, status in life, educational background, and who knows what else I will come up with in my brain. I really shouldn't worry about it but it's just something that my brain won't let go.

5. I'm happy and will always be happy. It's not because my life is perfect but I chose to be happy.

6. I deep clean when I'm mad. So if Jer ever comes home and the house is sparkling, squeaky clean he knows he needs to be on egg shells. For some reason scrubbing hard helps to relieve the frustration.

Alright enough about me I tag: Amy, Amanda, Vanessa, Raegan, Kaylene, Kristen and everyone else because well you know.....

Random Lizzie Comment

Lizzie and I were grocery shopping the other day and as I was contemplating whether to buy the red apples or the fuji apples Lizzie said to me: " Mom I guess your all done having babies huh." I love when statements come out of no where. I asked her why she thought that. She then responds, "Well, your not pregnant now and you used to always be pregnant." Yes, Lizzie I used to always be pregnant. That is exactly how I felt and may be one of the reasons why I am not pregnant now.

All in a day

My husband has to chronicle every 6 minutes at his work. I may not have it down to 6 minutes but I thought I would post what my Tuesday was like for every 15 minutes.

My Day on Tuesday:
Wake up to crying 2 yr old at 6:00
6:15 get thrown up on
6:30 get 2 yr old water
6;35 get thrown up on
6:45 breastfeed
7:00 comfort crying 2 yr old/ put 4 yr old in front of t.v.
7:30 get 4 old cereal for breakfast
7:45 put sleeping 2 yr old back in bed
8:00 pilates
8:30 clean up thrown-up bedding
9:00 get 4 yr old ready for swim lessons
9:30 breastfeed
9:45 send 4 yr old with friend for swim lesson
10:00 put crying baby in bed
10:15 get dishes done
10:30 realize I need to eat
10:31 find milk frozen in the fridge
10:35 eat toast while milk thaws on table
10:45 pick up toys
11:00 crying 2 yr old needs hugs
11:15 4 yr old home from swimming lessons
11:30 lunch time
11:45 clean up bubbles spilled on kitchen floor
12:00 change blow-out from baby/change bedding that was blown out on.
12:30 supervise 4 yr old "doing dishes"
12:45 breastfeed
1:00 pick up toys/ find new movie for 2 yr old
1:30 remake 2 yr olds bed with clean bedding
1:45 kill threating spider in basement for 4 yr old
2:00 put baby down for nap
2:15 tuck 2 yr old in for a nap
2:30 go check vacationing neighbor's house and mail
2:35 get locked in neighbor's garage
2:40 realize I can get out
2:42 get out of garage
2:45 get own mail
2:50 sort mail and pay bill
3:00 check email/ blogs
3:15 comfort crying 2 yr old
3:30 make blanket fort for 4 yr old
3:50 reinforce blanket fort
4:00 Breastfeed
4:15 thaw meat for dinner
4:30 Find new movie for 2 yr old
4:45 Change baby diaper
5:00 Welcome Husband Home
5:15 Attempt to watch news
5:30 Give up watching news
5:45 Beg husband to grill meat
6:00 Finish making dinner
6:15 Dinner at table with kids
6:30 Eat Dinner
6:45 Clean up Dinner
7:00 Feed baby yucky baby food squash
7:20 give up feeding yucky squash
7:30 breastfeed
7:45 Relax with Husband
8:00 Change baby diaper
8:15 Start getting kids ready for bed
8:30 Kids in Bed
8:45 Put kids back in bed
9:00 Husband goes to basketball
9:15 Breastfeed
9:30 Put Baby to bed
9:45 Blog
10:30 Husband home with swollen hand
10:45 trying to comfort swollen hand husband without laughing
11:00 Read Scriptures, say prayers, fall asleep and know it will start all over again tomorrow.


I love my job. No seriously, I love it. I also know that days can be a lot worse. Abby just has Rotovirus so it's just a matter of time till is cycles through the whole family. Horray!

You Are Belle!

Intelligent and kind. Your beauty goes much further than your apperance. Also, you make judgements of people based on their personality and not their looks. Attaining all the knowledge that you can is one of your major goals in life, but you are also a person who can make things happen.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Takin' a pole ......My Sunday Review

So I love writing about my Sundays so this post is nothing more than a Sunday in review. I guess it's because I'm trying to comment less on lessons. Sometimes I have a really hard time and I can feel the little girl in me want everybody to know that I know all the answers to the teachers questions. Thus, I have changed my policy on answering teachers questions: When a teacher asks a question or asks for comments I will only answer if I feel so prompted by the spirit. So now you all get to read the answers I would have said in church, or at least the thoughts that ran through my head.
But first off a question for all of you moms and class participants out there. So let's say you have an adorable baby boy who is in every essence joyful. And let's say during times in church when you should be let's say reverent that adorable joyful boy starts making joyful noises do you:

a) Take him out as quickly as possible without tripping on all of the people between you and the door.
b) Make the best of it and hope that he's not too distracting to all the people around him.
c) Pass him down the row and pretend he's not your irreverent child.

If anyone can help me answer this question I sure would appreciate it. I have my opinion and my husband has his so tell us who is right.

I'm kind of enjoying sitting back during Relief Society and I mean really sitting back, there's a rocking chair in the R.S. room and if I'm lucky enough I can nab it and rock little boy to sleep. I worry though it's making me a little too relaxed. This Sunday's lesson was taught by the R.S. Secretary who has been known to be deathly afraid of public speaking so I was super impressed that she took on the task of teaching. She started out really great talking about how work is a value that we all need in our lives. When we accomplish something we feel good about ourselves and so on. She also mentioned how as members of the church we can't completely rely on the ward to carry us through every little thing and sometimes we need to pull together as a family first before we ask the ward for help. I was really impressed with her boldness of words especially where I've been on both sides and seen how the whole thing runs. Then she said "Now I'm going to say something and I hope not to offend you." I could literally see everyone put there game faces on ready for battle. She then said that the same 5 families show up to clean the church when it's time to clean the church every time it's our turn. And then she went on to talk about how not very many women show up to Enrichment nights. I think I could have predicted the dialog that was to follow. Sister so-in-so complained that she didn't know about the church clean-up, sister blah-blah said she always forgets when enrichment is. Then sister helpful talked about in their old ward this was how the advertised much better.
Not to be rude but I had to hold in my chuckles with each comment. Just having gone through the whole ward camp out panic I understood the sister teaching the lessons point, having been one of the sisters who had just forgot the enrichment night I understood the sisters who needed help remembering when it was. But the part that really made me chuckle was we were acting just like Adam and Eve. Now I hope this isn't making too light of something but in Moses chapter 4 Satan tempts Adam and Eve and Eve partakes of the fruit. God comes and Adam and Eve hide in the garden. The best part is in vs 17-19 when God asks them what they did, Adam without missing a beat (to paraphrase) "Well that woman, you know the one you gave me, well she ate it and then told me to eat it." Then when Eve is asked she says, "That snake he tricked me and then I ate it." You see, they don't take the blame at first they start to blame others. Darn that whole natural man thing.
Anyhow at first that's how the women were acting. Then it turned into this guilt trip of "The church spends lots of money on things for you to be there. And when you're not there that's a lot of money, time and effort that has been wasted. So you need to be there for enrichment nights." And you could see all these sisters start to look like little kids who just got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Now I have this theory on guilt. I am yet to find in the scriptures where Heavenly Father uses guilt to motivate his children to do something right. (If I'm wrong please tell me the reference so I can look it up and eat some crow.) When Heavenly Father chastens his people he's blunt about it but then it's always followed with an increase of love. He makes us want to do what's right not because we're scared of the consequence of not doing it but because it's the right thing to do. I know that guilt can work I am a product of guilt tripping parents. I could always know that after doing something my parents didn't want me to do that I should pack my bags because I was going on a guilt vacation. But now as a parent and a spouse I've tried to watch myself and remember that guilt doesn't build positive character. It may get the job done but I don't think it's the results that we really want. Those women started looking like cat's cornered in a garage. Some had their claws out. Others were hissing and some looked as if they had totally been beaten down. Now I know that wasn't what the sister giving the lesson had intended and I know her intentions were pure and good. I think that a lot of women could have reacted differently but for the most part they needed to remember why they came to church that Sunday. And the sister teaching the lesson brought it back to that she said that she loves the socializing with everyone, she enjoys the talks and singing the songs but the main reason she comes to church every week is because she knows that it's true. That God and Jesus Christ really did show themselves to Joseph Smith and it is through this church and the principles taught within that we can return to our Heavenly Father. And that is why she comes back week after week. So I'll leave it at that for tonight. I know that God lives. I know that he loves me and that is why he sent his son Jesus Christ to this earth. Christ lead the perfect life. And he died so that when I don't lead that perfect life through the atonement I may still return to my Heavenly Father. I love the gospel with all my heart and I'm so grateful for the knowledge and power that it gives to me. I know that President Monson truly is called of God and leads this church through the power of the spirit. I know that the Book of Mormon truly testifies of Jesus Christ and his role as our redeemer. My life has been blessed by following the precepts found in it's pages. The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints truly is His church. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Yes, I can be crafty..

So I survived the whole ward camp out, thanks mostly to my husband and a guy with a camp chef and lots and lots of patience. We had two investigating families show up so I hope that they had a quality time and were able to meet our wonderful ward. It really was a good turn out so I guess my prayers were answered. I found out on Saturday that I had a baby shower for a friend on the next Tuesday and i knew that I wasn't really going to have any time to shop until Monday night so my brain started swimming what I could get her and the soon to be new bundle of joy. Just as I was contemplating what do I really appreciate as a mom of a fantastic bundle of joy, Will spit up and I mean spit up huge. I wiped myself off with a burp rag and then had an instant inspiration. I had seen a cute burp cloth once in a nursing lounge that was a simple cloth diaper with fantastic ribbon sewn on it. So I decided that I could do that too. I went to the store late Monday night and picked up a package of cloth diapers and some cute rick-rack and a few spools of adorable ribbon. Tuesday Morning I skipped out on my pilates and decided to get all crafty and what not. I zipped through 10 burp cloths like nothing else. The best part is they turned out so cute. Now I'm not a seamstress by any means in fact I can think of at least 16 people that sew a heck of a lot better than me right this very second. But I found something that works pretty good and used that nylon fish line looking thread so no one can see how crooked my stitches get. Anyhow I thought I would post a few pix of them. I really felt great after getting them done, good enough that Tuesday night when I usually blog I decided to finish off the rest of the burp cloths for a friend who had just had a baby girl and then I decided I wanted a couple for myself. There's just something about putting your mind to doing something and getting it done. Huzzah for the craftiness that I can fake out.

The sweet girly ones

The cute boy ones (don't you love that rick-rack?)

This one I was really proud of just for the fact that that ribbon was so thin and somehow I managed to sew it. K I know this might be something really lame to get so excited about but still looking at it I get so happy. If anyone else is having a baby anytime soon let me know and I'll whip a batch for you.

"You mean you don't like me?"

So it's our ward camp out this weekend and I have all this nervous energy so I'm "blogging" it out. Is it totally stupid that I think that if we have a small turn out it is somehow a reflection on what people think of me? Wow, I'm more shallow than what I thought. As the new ward activity chair or whatever the heck my official title is I feel like I should be the "party girl" someone who every body wants to hang out with; so of course they'll come to my party. My last little activity had a really small turn out, we got everything done that we wanted to and the people who attended I think had a good time but that was just a little activity. Everyone talks up the ward camp out all the great times they've had at the ward camp out and somehow I don't think they're all too excited about this one. I'm usually really confident in my callings but I usually do behind the scenes stuff but this calling is really putting me out there on a limb. BLURG!!! I'm not to crazy about feeling like this. I guess all I can do is stick to my inspiration and hope that really it was inspiration and that whoever turns up has a quality time. I guess I'm in the business of quality not necessarily quantity whereas I have absolutely no control of the later of the two. Meh! If anybody else out there has a fantastic idea of how to make sure I get lots of people there, before Friday let me know. If not I guess I'll have a lot of terriyaki chicken and dutch oven potatoes to eat for awhile. Nice.

Ensign Advice

So next months Q&A is marriage advice that you were given. And this made me think of a funny story that most likely wouldn't get published but it was funny to me. For those of you who don't know my story with Jeremy count yourself lucky. You probably think he fell head over heels for me instantaneously and dropped down on one knee the moment he laid eyes on me, just like all the other guys. But unfortunately for me that wasn't the story at all. I think he knew he liked me but Jeremy has come to understand that I don't appreciate those things that come way too easy for me so he in his pure genius decided that I had to work for him. I honestly believe he was the first guy I thought wasn't interested enough in me. Not to sound conceded or anything like that but when I dated a guy by the second date I usually knew I had the guy hook line and sinker and could then pull and tug on his heart strings as I desired. (Yes I'm a terrible person but don't worry pay back wasn't too much fun for me.)
When Jeremy and I realized that we were dating we had probably been "dating" for well over a month. I guess it was hard for me to realize thats what we were doing because I was actually dating 2 other guys around the same time and when I was tired of playing the whole dating game I would go hang out with Jeremy because dang he was cool. I felt so relaxed and like I didn't have to put on this whole "look at me I'm so cute" game. We would go do stupid things like midnight burger king runs (seriously I was addicted to the double cheeseburger). We would watch movies and just hang out it was just a chill environment. Anyhow like started turning into more stuff and every time I was on a date with another guy I was thinking about him and every time I heard about him going on a date with another girl I was like what the heck why hasn't he asked me out. Then one night after we had finished watching a movie and all the other guys had gone to bed and it was just me and Jeremy we kissed. I'll never forget leaving his place that night knowing I would never ever kiss another guy. (everyone can sigh now and let out that little ahhh sound.) Anyhow Jeremy wasn't as sure as I was through out the whole relationship hence him breaking up with me a month after the first kiss. But after 3 days he came back to his senses and came back Then there was another break-up and a come back. And then finally the 3rd time I thought he was breaking up with me he was actually saying lets think about getting married but for some reason that wasn't what I heard but he smoothed out that bridge really quick and let me know that he really did want to marry me. *Sigh* then he went to Cincinnati for the summer, Somehow through major long phone calls, and some emails and me really honestly having no desire to date anyone else ever again we made it.
I flew out to Cincinnati, Jeremy had convinced me that it would be best to wait to get engaged until after he came back to Logan, but I was so excited to see him anyhow. I at the time had no idea how tricky Jeremy was or how incredibly tricky his mom was and they had somehow got a ring out to Jeremy and he proposed to me there.
As we sat in this beautiful garden both glistening with new love. This crazy lady drove by in a golf cart. She offered us some water. We told her no knowing that we both were totally drinking each other in, when she asked if we had just got engaged. This lady totally had the crazy cat lady look to her and there was something in her smile that made me think she had several sweaters with cats embroidered on them waiting to greet her when she got home. When we replied in unison that yes we were engaged (we smiled sheepishly at each other) she said,"Do you mind if I give you some advice?" I thought for sure she was going to say something like: "Always make sure that your cat litter is fresh" or "Marriages will come and go but Cats last forever" but instead she looked at us and said " Any marriage will last as long as you have three people in it. You, your spouse and God." She then gave us a couple of lollipops and rode off into the sunset in her crazy little golf cart. We sat there in stunned silence. How true she has been. I know that as Jeremy and I work to increase our faith and our individual relationship with our Heavenly Father we draw closer as husband and wife. Anyhow that was the crazy lady with some seriously sane advice.
But what, o internet public, who secretly reads my secret blog, is the best marriage advice you have received or like to give?
My advice lately has been: In marriage it is not 50/50 it's 100/100 as each of us tries to serve each other in our relationships and give fully of oneself there really isn't anyone who is losing out.
Ya I should word that better but it's late and I'm tired. Anyhow maybe if you give me a comment with good advice I can type it up and send it into the Ensign and you can be published.. Well goodnight to all and to all a happy marriage.

A letter from Lizzie

I've got more to write later tonight but for now enjoy this letter Lizzie wrote to my brother Tyler who is currently serving a mission in Monterry Mexico. I wrote the letter but I kid you not this is what she said verbatim.

Dear Uncle Tyler,

I love you. Be safe traveling home. I learned about being nice today in church with my friends. I had a little story today about shepherds being nice. Be good on your mission. We miss you. Eat new foods safely. Be good. We have a slip n slide this summer but it had a hole in it and now it's popped. I love my friends they come over to play with me and we play outside when it's hot and sunny. Jackson and Jace and almost all my friends came over to play in a green turtle swimming pool. It was lots and lots of fun.
Love Lizzie

This was Tyler's response to her:

that´s great lizzy keep having fun and learn lots.
i´m being safe and eating food safely and sometimes tooooo much.
bye love you

I love that Lizzie was concerned about him eating new foods! But thinking about it and where he is I thought it was wise council from a 4 year-old.
I'll write more tonight.

Random Thoughts-

So these are a few thoughts that I need to write down so I can expound on them later.

1. I wish someone would invent a brain camera. You know, so you can look at something and say I want a picture of that and it takes it just as you see it. I only say this because I was slightly disappointed in the pix that we took at Zions there were so many things of beauty and my camera didn't really capture it all. Also there are so many times that I'm with my kids and I think I need to remember this I need to remember this and even if I have my camera they usually don't pose for the camera like I see them. I really can't wait for someone to invent this brain camera thingy so I can really start to show the world the way I see it, because to be honest there is so much beauty out there.

2. A couple of Sundays ago we were walking to church and Lizzie was tagging along with me as I pushed Abby in the stroller. Lizzie, if you haven't met her, is the queen of conversation and has really picked up on the word expert. She was explaining to me all the things that she was an expert at: a big sister, word person, friend etc. Then she was sweet enough to tell me I was an expert Mom. Then as we started to cross the street to the church she says," I'm an expert at church too!" long pause " But Jesus is the biggest church expert of all." I'm glad I've taught her something.

3. This was my idea in the shower today. I've been praying to have help to lose weight. And I was wondering if that was an evil thing to pray for. I mean lets be honest it sounds a little selfish and really maybe not on the top of things that should be important but hear me out on my reasons.
1- Jeremy's 10 reunion is this August and to be completely shallow I don't want to be his fat wife. I want people to talk to Jeremy and say "You have three kids? Wow! I would have never guessed that by looking at your wife. She is so smokin' hot! How did you do that Jeremy? You are so Lucky to have such an amazing woman." Now I understand that sounds amazingly shallow and probably unrealistic but that's one reason why I'm obsessed with losing weight.
2-Now here's the for real thing. I realize that our bodies are a gift from our Heavenly Father and we need to take care of them and i know I have a good excuse to be fat I mean my baby is just 5 months but I know that I feel best about myself when I'm eating right and exercising so even if I don't "lose" weight I at least get all the benefits of being healthy. So really I think that's why it's OK to have Heavenly Father help me be healthy and lose weight.
So as I contemplated this today the thought struck me that praying is a lot like dieting. (OK that still makes me laugh) but really if you think about it dieting or losing weight is a lot of work, I love the commercials that advertise take this pill and still eat whatever you want, don't exercise and magically the weight will go away. (Does anyone remember how phen phen worked out?) Honestly if you are serious about losing weight you'll watch what you eat, you'll exercise and you'll work until you get the results you are looking for and then it becomes a life style you can't just go back to your old ways. Well praying is the same way we learn in D&C thanks to Oliver Cowdry that you have to do your homework. You have to work as hard as you can and then Heavenly Father will come and help with the rest. Take the brother of Jared for example: His problem: Needing to light a boat. He prays. Heavenly Father says think about and come back to me with your answer. He finds some cool rocks, has some serious hardcore faith and boom he's got light. (sorry that's a really bad synopsis if you want the whole story look here) But it just goes to show you that prayer requires work, just like dieting you work and work and then you just have to have faith that your work is going to pay off somehow. I think about my Mom she's lost a lot of weight over the past 4 years but she still isn't to wear she would like to be but her heart is incredible healthy, and her overall health has improved significantly and more importantly she's able to play with her grandkids which is one of the most important things to her. So the results are a little bit different than what she wants but she keeps working at it and she sees the blessings as they come around. Anyhow thats my thoughts for right now I think I'll make this one a big post later on I just needed to write it down for now. Let me know what you think...Seriously guys I love getting comments on my crazy thoughts it. I like to at least know that someone gets me.

Something that made me think

In Relief Society on Sunday our president gave the lesson and she quoted for the majority this talk. I was not familiar with it but some of it really hit my heart hard. I guess it's ok considering that I was only 12 when this talk was given, but the words seem to really apply to me now. Here is the excerpt that really made me think. You can find the talk in it's entirety here

“Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever.” (Moro. 7:46–47.)

"Charity is, perhaps, in many ways a misunderstood word. We often equate charity with visiting the sick, taking in casseroles to those in need, or sharing our excess with those who are less fortunate. But really, true charity is much, much more.

Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again. It makes the thought of being a basher repulsive.

Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we’re trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?

It should come as no surprise that one of the adversary’s tactics in the latter days is stirring up hatred among the children of men. He loves to see us criticize each other, make fun or take advantage of our neighbor’s known flaws, and generally pick on each other. The Book of Mormon is clear from where all anger, malice, greed, and hate come."

In my journalism classes I learned that if someone can say it better than you to let them say it so I don't think I need to add anything else other than I hope that I can be a better person and really understand charity and begin to gain more of it in my life.

Terrible and Delicious

So I was in the mood for Girl Scout Cookies on Sunday and what is a LDS Women to do. So I surfed this thing called the internet and found this recipe for Girl Scout Cookies.
Ya incredibly good but a little more time consuming then what I usually would do but still. Jeremy is a mint cookie expert and said they were "No Nabisco" but good enough that he ate nearly a dozen on his own. So just so you know if you don't want to pay the 3.50 a box you can make your own for about 2.00 and have as many as you like.
p.s. I'm blogging right now so I don't eat any more!

You tell her

Lizzie asked me yesterday what this spelled:
I think you should tell her....

Whatsoever is light is good

I just but my son to bed and tonight as I rocked him and sang him a song a lot of thoughts ran through my mind. A year ago Jeremy and I announced to his family that we were expecting Will I was 11 weeks pregnant and a little overwhelmed at the thought of having 3 children. Deciding to become pregnant with Will was not an easy decision by any means. The previous January I had started to feel funny. My fingers and ears and toes were all tingly and something just seemed off in my body. I was still nursing Abby who at the time was just 8 months and I wondered if the tingly sensation had something to do with my milk or something. Then my period didn't come I to be honest didn't freak out my body hasn't always been the most regular but I must say I was a little nervous. Lizzie and Abby were both planned pregnancies so a little surprise like this was not exactly on my game plan. When I took a pregnancy test to ease my own thoughts I was shocked when it came back positive. How could this be? I didn't want to be pregnant. I wasn't prepared for it. I was still nursing Abby and was determined to nurse her to the year mark. I was really upset I had worked so hard to get my body back in shape only to be put out of shape again. Abby was going to be 15 months old when this baby came and that in my opinion was just too close. I hadn't prayed about getting pregnant it wasn't even on my radar. How could this be? I didn't want to tell anyone that I was pregnant. I think I was even kind of embarrassed by the fact that I was pregnant. I didn't feel the normal happy glow that I had had with my previous two pregnancies. So I just carried on, loathing the fact that my newly slimmed tummy was going to begin to bulge, that Abby was going to get cheated out of having the infant life I felt she deserved, that I hadn't been warned by some spiritual prompting that this was coming and maybe I was losing that sensitivity of the spirit that I tried so desperately to maintain. At about 9 weeks I started spotting a little which wasn't a big deal I spotted a little with Abby but by week 10 I was full on period like bleeding. I called the Dr. and began to worry what was wrong with me. When I got in to the Dr. I was so nervous they took me back for an ultrasound and sure enough it was a miscarriage. I think the saddest thing I've ever seen was looking at the little bean that could have been a baby with no beating heart. My eyes began to swell with tears and the Dr. choked back his own and told me the things that I were to expect in the next few weeks and told me if there was anything else he could do to please let him know. I cried the whole way home. I called Jeremy at work and cried some more. I called my mom and cried some more. All the while feeling so conflicted. Had I wished this on myself? Was my body broken now? What happens if I decide I want to get pregnant again? I think I cried that entire day and into the night. I amazingly felt all by myself so incredibly empty and alone even though I had support from my mom, we had decided not to let all of our family know, a few members of my ward knew and helped out but I still felt like I was the only person on the entire planet and I was so so sad. I bled and bled for what seemed like forever and then the day that the egg sac passed my heart broke into a million shattered pieces. It was at that moment a dream was brought back to my memory. Right after Lizzie was born I had had a dream that I was pregnant and I didn't tell anyone and gave birth to the child very early in my apartment bathroom. I had shut the door to the bathroom and then decided to tell Jeremy. We both went back to the bathroom and planned the funeral for that baby and decided not to tell anyone about it. Now I know that most of the time our dreams are poppy cock but as I reflected on that dream the feeling impressed to me was that Heavenly Father had prepared my heart at that moment almost 3 years before for what I was going through right at that moment. All the sudden I didn't feel so all alone. My heart still ached but I was supported. It was a hard thing to get over. Something I hadn't really planned on, every time a friend told me they were pregnant my heart stung a little. Every time I thought about early September my mind would begin the what ifs. But as I prayed for the healing power of the atonement to become more manifested in me my soul began to heal. Then the unexpected happen. Mid-March, not even four weeks after the miscarriage, I was sitting in a sacrament meeting when I had the feeling that we needed to bring another spirit to this world. How that opened the flood gates all the emotions that I had just put to rest came pouring back. Added to those emotions was the worry could my body really do this? We fasted and prayed about and knew that it was the right thing to do and just held our breath while we had faith that this was the thing to do. Sure enough early May I took yet again another pregnancy test and this time to the joy of my heart had a positive test result. I worried for quite a bit of the first trimester especially where as I wasn't puking my guts out but just had to hold on to the faith that this was the right thing for my family. Thank goodness all things turned out well and we now have our healthy, beautifully happy baby boy. In the Book Of Mormon in Alma 32 Alma is teaching the poor Zoramites who have been cast out of their synagogues because of their stations in life. He talks about humility and those who posses humility and those who are compelled to be humble. I think for me my miscarriage was one of those being compelled moments and I am truly grateful for that because of my miscarriage I have gained so many things. I know have more compassion to those who struggle with pregnancy something I truly didn't understand until it happened to me. I also had my faith strengthened. Just as Alma taught I had to experiment on the word and let it swell and grow within me and it brought to me enlightenment and understanding that I would not have otherwise possessed. I think that often with our trials and hardships if we look closely we can see the things that our Father in Heaven is trying to help us with. I really am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to learn and become our best selves. I'm also grateful for the knowledge of the atonement and the strength it gives me. The gospel is so true!

Pictures of Us

I love pictures. I love pictures of my kids. I love pictures of flowers, nature, even food. And since this is my own private blog I guess I can admit I even like pictures well most of them anyhow. When Jeremy and I were dating we took lots of pictures of the two of us and in fact our engagement pictures still adorn the walls of my home because I loved the pictures so much and I'm too lazy to change them out. But I was thinking the other day that Jeremy and I are rarely in a picture together, just the two of us. How sad it'll be when I look over our lifetime of pictures and finally see the pix of me and Jeremy and we go from being two hot young 20 year olds to slightly balder/older 50 somethings (although i'll remind the audience that we'll still be hot). So it's now my goal to take more pictures of the two of us. And try to better capture us on film I mean digital pixels. So here's my latest attempt in Logan from a weekend ago.

Yep he's really that hot all the time. How hot is that you may ask. Sizzling.....

A better attempt to smile but the kid sure makes him look even cuter.

I'm telling my hair to grow grow grow in this picture.

One final attempt for the two of us I'm over compensating my smile for the lack of Jeremy's smile.

Mother's Day Flowers

I love getting flowers. Really I can look over my life and highlight moments by flowers that I received or at least gloried in the presence of. Jeremy really isn't a fan of buying something that is just going to die but still when me makes the effort to subdue that thought just for me it means that much more. My last mother's day in Logan I was 9 months pregnant, we were trying to get ready to move to Tooele and I was to say the least stressed. The Saturday before Mother's Day I had done a Pampered Chef show (my last thank heavens) and came home to Jeremy and Lizzie who had recently returned from the store. Lizzie had jumped the gun and before I could even get in the door said "Mom we bought you a flower and some fish. Can I have some fish now." meaning the Swedish fish that we so love in our household. Well Jeremy had got me a single red rose which was beautiful so I put the flower in a nice little vase and shared the fish with my eager little two year old. The next morning as we were getting ready for church I came downstairs to find that my rose had exploded over night. Every single petal had fallen off of it and I just laughed. Jeremy swore he would never buy me a rose again and the next mother's day he stayed true to that word. So imagine my surprise when this past mother's day Jeremy placed this beautiful rose on my lap. It made my day not to mention the card that made me cry. I've turned into such a sap. Anyhow the rose lives on and has retained a beautiful bloom this whole week. So thanks Jeremy to swallowing your pride and buying me something that will eventually die.
ps that really is the picture of the flower. It looks so beautiful!

Thinking Positive

When Jeremy was sick he lost like 10 lbs in under a week. I remember whining to him that I wish that would happen to me then I might have an easier time with all of this baby weight my body refuses to get rid of. I guess the saying be careful what you wish for really really comes into effect when you wish something like that. I lost 7 lbs in 4 days, courtesy of giant high fevers, not eating but refusing to give my poor baby a bottle. I haven't really put on jeans for like 3 weeks but I had to go get a cavity filled yesterday (I know it's like insult to injury) and my usual pants were dirty so I pulled out the old Andrea's skinny pants. Not to brag (what am I saying I'm totally bragging), they rocked my world and fit like a glove. And I looked good! I was super super excited it almost made three miserable weeks of pneumonia worth it. When I went to the dentist I felt so good I almost passed up the Novocaine, O.k. just kidding anyone who would do that would be nuts, but I felt good. Now if I can convince my body that even though I'm not working out and just sitting around doing nothing that it does not need to hold on to the food I'm eating now. But I guess I just revel in the glory of skinny jeans fitting now and deal with it when they don't fit.

Think Tank

So today I somehow found energy enough to shower (side note: I've been sick with pneumonia and it's really kicking my can so hygiene hasn't taken the role that it should, gross I know, deal with it) I love taking showers I've decided there is something so therapeutic about a shower maybe it's all the amazing smelling shower gels and shampoos or maybe it's the sound of water hitting the tiles or maybe it's the fact that when I shower I'm actually all by myself. Alone. It's a weird concept when you have 3 little kids and one of those kids is nursing. Maybe that's why the shower has become my own little think tank. There's just something about getting clean and getting rid of all the stink that seems to come into my life (both physical stink and emotional stink) Some of my best ideas and most powerful inspiration have come to me when I'm in the shower. I now keep a kids bathtub crayon in my shower to write down the ideas that seem to sink into my brain with each drop of water. If our budget could handle it and I wouldn't freak out about looking like a really really white raisin I would probably stay in the shower for hours and hours. My shower wall would probably look like that guy in A Beautiful Mind's shack walls. Ya he was crazy. The hard part is making all of those brilliant ideas come to fruition. Usually I end up erasing all my thoughts as I clean off all my hair from the shower unless it was an idea I had for Jeremy then I usually leave that one up for him to read on his next shower. He has since told me that he usually showers with his eyes closed to get that extra bit of sleep and never notices my "brilliant" ideas. But maybe now that I've told everyone about my think tank I'll actually start taking action on those ideas. I think I'm going to go take another shower and think about how to start doing that.

Happiness

So when I was younger people would always ask why I was so happy. As an elementary student I had no idea that people could actually be permanently unhappy. I understood that when you lost your toy or when your brother was a giant stupid head you could be a little unhappy but I never really thought much more of it. When I got to high school I had a conversation that made me realize that people really liked being unhappy not only unhappy but that it was a sign of maturity to be "less happy". I sat in my usual spot in French class 2nd row from the door 3 seats from the back. Sitting across from me next to the wall where Erin a Jr. and Shannon a Sr. both sang in the choir with me and because they were so much older than me ( I was a sophomore) they were amazingly cool. Coach Dean (our French teacher was the track coach and insisted we called him coach regardless if we ran track or not.) had stepped out to inspect the new track going in and trusted that we would all read our text books while he was gone. I had read the assignment for like the 5th time when I gave in to the rest of the class and started talking with Erin and Shannon I had made some sort of remark and smiled and I'll never forget the way Erin looked at me. Then she said "Andrea, when you get older I bet you'll be a lot less happy." This kind of took me back why on earth would anyone want to be "less happy"? And what did having to be older have to do with it. I asked Erin what she meant and she then explained to me "When you're mature things don't seem the way you see them now." I was so super confused I thought I was pretty "mature" and I was pretty darn sure that being mature was not the death of happiness. Shannon finally chipped in I swear I vied for every word out of her mouth I mean after all she was a Senior, she had a boyfriend and she was on her way to college she had to know everything. "I don't think Andrea is one of those people who will change."
"Really?" was Erin's response.
"Why wouldn't she? Everyone has to grow-up sometime."
Then Shannon said "I think Andrea is just one of those people who will always be happy even when she shouldn't be."
Soon enough coach Dean came back and it was back to the difference between "vous" and "tu". I was really confused by my friends comments. Really as a sign of maturity did I have to give up happiness? I thought back to people who I knew where mature like my mom, teachers people who were at least older than me they didn't seem unhappy yet they were "grown-up".
I continued on my way and as I got older I somehow stayed happy. I guess it was some sort of curse. Ok not really I love being happy. Many people along the way have accused me of being fake, people who I thought were close good friends and other such relatives and you know that kind of stung yet here I am still a happy person. I guess I understand why people could confuse being happy as fake. I mean after all everyone is bound to have a bad day and I have actually experienced these so called bad days from time to time. Or maybe more frequent then that. I think where people get confused on "fake happy" people is they don't understand really what happiness is. My little brother used to pray that we would have a fun day and I remember my mom asking him why he prayed to have fun. He said we needed to have fun so we could be happy. There I think is where a lot of people believe happiness is and if people think that is where my happiness is well then they're right I would be as fake as wood paneling in an old station wagon. I believe that my happiness comes from somewhere else. My happiness doesn't come from a clean house, lots of money, amazing vacations or people pouring out compliments on me if that were the case I would be the saddest person ever. Even if I had those things that isn't real happiness. Take all that stuff away and what are you left with? The happiness that I had as a little girl, as a high school student, as a single young adult and even now as a border line crazy mom of 3 has always been the same. I know who I am. I know where I came from. I know where I'm going. And I have an amazing lifeline. Sure the specifics aren't always set in stone I probably have changed a little as a person I'm growing that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I know where I came from I can't recall it perfectly but I have a good idea. My destination in this life was determined long ago the way I get there hasn't always been as straight forward as I wanted to be and sometimes it's a little scary but that's where my lifeline has really come in to play. Whenever I feel like I'm wavering just a tad He's there to pull me back in to remind me of these simple truths to help me remember I'm more than what I've been and I can be more if I keep trying. Why do people insist on roadblocking happiness. Happiness isn't something that we have one day and don't have the next. Happiness is in each and everyone of us. Sure sometimes it's easier to be happier than other times but that happiness never goes away. I believe it is there in our hearts it lives in our souls along with the knowledge that we are children of our Heavenly Father. He loves us and will always, always love us regardless of the choices we make. Our father gave us a plan, a plan of happiness, to return to him and to be able to live "happily ever after". I hope that people can remember that. This one thing helps me be who I am today. This simple truth helps me push through those bad days, those bad mistakes, those things that would block me from being my best. So maybe I'm a little less grown-up because I am still a happy person. Shannon was right I'm not going to change on that. Why would I want to?